Bondage on a budget

by the modern serf

Perhaps I’m unusual, but I’m always looking for a good sexual wellness supplier. I don’t always have the time to go downtown to get a vibrating cock ring, nor do I have the money to be buying an $80 vibrator. Some backwards communities actively try to keep these sorts of items out of their shops, forcing customers like you and me to buy things mail order.

However, there’s a secret place where you can get all the sex toys your perverted little heart could ever need: the corner drug store. Now, I bet that when most of you walk into a drug store you think “convenience store,” but when I walk into a drug store, I think “sex shop.”

Since they’re a drug store, they’ve got an excellent selection of condoms. Everyone knows that. More interestingly, though, is that they’ve got a full compliment of astroglide and KY—even the ones that make your cock tingly, numb, or warm. Look around, and I’m sure you’ll even find those new single use vibrating cock rings.

Think that’s all? That’s only scratching the surface. In the next aisle, you’ll find a varied selection of “back massagers,” from some small enough to fit in a purse all the way up to piano leg size. Sure, they all say “for external use only,” but that’s merely a suggestion. And look at these prices! You could be paying up to a hundred bucks for a good vibrator at a sex shop. Drugstore price? under $25.

However, this isn’t just “sex on a shoestring,” this is “bondage on a budget,” so lets get freaky! Next to those vibrators is the bandage section. You can tie someone up pretty good with this medical tape, and better yet, when you take it off, it doesnt rip the hair off your arms. But what if youre looking for that? What if you want your special friend to hurt? Well, lets take a trip to the hardware section.

If you’re like me, your first instinct will be to grab the duct tape, but hold on! Look at all the stuff weve got here: two kinds of rope, clothespins—those make excellent nipple clamps—candles, for pouring hot wax… need a cock ring? Try these reusable zip ties—three for a triple crown.

So, I hope we’ve all learned something today: for under fifty bucks, we can walk into a Walgreens and assemble a baaaadassss rape kit.