It was february of 2004, and I was returning to college for my second (and so far final) semester. I had just turned 18 a few months ago, and to celebrate my newly official manhood, and to collect a bet, I decided to grow a beard. I put away the razor Gilette had sent me for my birthday and prepared to become Grizzly Adams.
Three weeks later my neck was covered in pubes. I had almost zero ’stache – it looked more like I had some hairy moles above the corners of my mouth.. It was quite long and quite dark, but sparse as an antarctic cornfield. My girlfriend came up to visit me that week and said she wouldnt kiss me until the neckbeard was gone, so I let it go.
About a year later, I tried again with similar results; the beard was no thicker on the 4th week than it was on the 4th day, just a bit longer. If you share my situation, this article is not for you. However, if you can make your facial hair work, I have determined
the three greatest beards and mustaches of all time.
1. The Handlebar Mustache.
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| Rollie Fingers
Relief Pitcher | Greg Norton
Rock Musician and Chef | Salvador Dali
Surrealist Artist | Franz Ferdinand
Archduke |
What more can I say? Perfection. The handlebar mustache is the ultimate statement in freestanding mustaches. The nickname for staches — whiskers — is truest here. This is the primal link back to our rodent ancestors.
2. Mutton Chops
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| Issac Asimov
Science Fiction Writer | Henrik Ibsen
Playwright | Martin Van Buren
President | Ambrose Burnside
Civil War Genera |
Though technically sideburns, these are more beard than lock. Calling what are now known as sideburns "chops" is tantamount to calling a comb-over a full head of hair. Of course, these are at their best when they are so overgrown they traverse right into mustache land. While they don’t have the cosmopolitan sophistication of the handlebar, they share in its timeless appeal while harkening back to bygone days.
3. The Walrus
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Wilford Brimley Actor & Cockfighting Enthusiast |
Friedrich Nietzsche German Philosopher |
The Lorax Rhyming Environmentalist |
Mark Twain Writer & Humorist |
Goo-Goo-Ga-Joob indeed. One knows that their Walrus is fully formed when it sticks out further than the tip one of one’s nose. While popular with everyone from cranky UN ambassadors to cranky hippie musicians, this mustache says the same thing no matter who wears it: get of my lawn, you damn kids.
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